Expert: Women are better at negotiating than men – they are just not aware of it

Is negotiation similar to a battle?

ccording to her, our general approach to negotiation is, to a great extent, the key.

"The vast majority of people are of the opinion that a good negotiator is a tough negotiator. In other words, a good negotiator snubs the other party. It's a zero-sum game where one must win and the other must lose. And many women might be uncomfortable with battling in this way," says Tine Anneberg.

Often, if both parties focus a lot on their own positions, it gets in the way of a favourable outcome for the negotiations. 

"We focus so much on where we want to go and what we want to achieve that we forget to listen for the openings."

She points out that, according to studies, better results are generally achieved if a cooperative approach to the negotiations is applied. 
And this is precisely where women may have a stronger side, Tine Anneberg believes. 

"Women are often highly skilled at being solution-oriented, at creating harmony, at communicating, while also being really good listeners. And these are some of the qualities that actually have quite a big impact on how successful a negotiation will be," she says,
pointing to a study by UN Women, which is the UN organisation dedicated to gender equality and the empowerment of women. The study shows that peace agreements that are concluded with the active participation of women are more likely to last longer.

When ego and prestige get in the way

According to Tine Anneberg, it is an advantage for men that they are often more direct and willing to take risks.

"They dare to get straight to the point, and, often, they are also more persistent," she explains.

On the other hand, ego and prestige are some of the characteristics that get in the way for men in a negotiation.

"They may want to show off. And that's not very constructive in a negotiation. Especially if having to give in or be vulnerable. From a slightly generalised perspective, losing face, prestige or status comes into play more often with men than with women," she says.

In her view, women are often strong negotiators when the interests of others are at stake. However, when the negotiations are about themselves, it is challenging to be just as firm.

This is a trend often seen by Tine Anneberg when working with negotiation training.

"Many women find that it feels more legitimate to be persistent on behalf of a colleague, a team or a company than on their own behalf. When the negotiations become personal, considerations such as harmony, relationships and the need for appearing to cooperate often play a greater role," she explains.

Reasonable or rational?

Both women and men have a tendency to become emotionally involved in a negotiation. And that does not lead to favourable outcomes, Tine Anneberg explains. On the contrary.

"We focus on what we think is reasonable. Being human, we react according to our emotions and we are not very rational," she says, underlining that this often prevents us from achieving the best possible result.

She gives an example of two parties that have to find a way to share 100 kroner.

It is possible that one party suggests how to split it, and if the other party accepts, they will be sharing the money in that way. But if the other party rejects the proposed distribution, both parties will receive 0 kroner. In this case, many would probably share fifty-fifty.

"That would be reasonable to most people. But if you claim to be rational, you would just have offered me 1 krone, and I should then accept it because I had none, and now I'm given 1 krone," says Tine Anneberg and continues:

"This is precisely that happens in a negotiation when we consider whether something is reasonable or not. Our assessment of whether the alternative suggested is actually better is not made on the basis of rationale.

Good advice

If you want to be better at negotiating, you should, according to Tine Anneberg, first and foremost change your mindset in relation to what negotiations are really about. 

"It doesn't have to be considered a battle or a competition to be won. Rather, it should be viewed as a chance to cooperate on a certain matter," she says. 

In addition, it is important to realise that you are actually part of a negotiation.  

"One of the first things we need to do is to understand that the negotiations have started because many people miss the opening of the negotiations," she says.

This applies not only in a professional context, but also at home. Because we all engage in many negotiations during the day with colleagues, children or partners. 

One example could be when your partner says "I am taking the car today, will you pick up the children?".

"The result is more or less forced on you before you realise that the negotiations have already started," says Tine Anneberg.

Take advantage of your natural skills

In addition, it would be good for you to rely a little more on some of the natural skills you have, says Tine Anneberg.

"As a woman, you shouldn't be thinking that you have to be like the men, but you use whatever it is that you do differently," she says, and again highlights some of the somewhat stereotypical characteristics of women. 

"Showing empathy, being an active listener and not being too preoccupied with your own position are enormously powerful tools in a negotiation."

Generally, she recommends negotiating in teams as this provides the best results in the vast majority of cases.  

"We all have different skills to offer. And it is pivotal to recognise your strengths and weaknesses in a negotiation," concludes Tine Anneberg.